I've been gloomy for so long, and this is another lonely war tonight, a war within that is difficult to win, a war that has no specific beginning and no probable end, a war that might last a lifetime and this is a war between who you are and who you want to be.
Although I want to be somebody else, I simply cannot, maybe because something is barring me. And that something is who am I at this very moment. That's the worst enemy that I ever faced for about seventeen years of my existence.
On the other hand, there is another person inside me who wants to overtake my present self; play, dance, sing wildly like an animal growling for its food. But I can't. There is something that is missing in order for my inner self to be released. I want to be that person but my current self acts as a limiter that hinders my metamorphosis.
It feels like I'm stuck on two opposite wind currents; bound at a crossroad that leads to two different lives with two different endings. There was an African word in The Interpreter that refers to my current condition: stuck in the middle of two diametric rivers.
If I'm going to take one road and leave the other one untouched, what is bound to happen? Will I be able to look back and laugh? Or cry?
But, I must decide tonight. I need to end this syndrome. Like a funeral pyre that burns for the dead and a phoenix that burns from its ashes, I will be born anew. There should be no regrets and no U-turns, because I lived my life without remorse and faced the gravest consequences of my past actions. I have to make up my mind and plan my future, for I am the master and lord of my own life. My tomorrow depends on this night; before dawn. Before the gloomy rainy sky becomes grey after a night of crimson overcast, a new me will be incarnated; like an ember that is blood red when it glows and achromatic when the fire dries out.
Thanks to that camp, I realized the things that I should do. Well, that will be all for today. I still have to arrange some of those written ideas.
Bye!